Embracing Uncertainty—or Que Sera, Sera

Discomfort with uncertainty is part of being human. We like to know what is going on and believe we understand what’s coming. It gives us the comfortable illusion of being in control. We’ve been wired this way over centuries and, as a result, our brains are constantly on the lookout for patterns that will help us determine what will happen next. Failure to do so makes us anxious.

Some of us, particularly the subset of the human race who are financial planners, are so interested in control that we spend our time planning for the unknowable future. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the planning process, even though it doesn’t mean we can accurately predict the future. The process, even without being prescient, is valuable because it allows us to thoughtfully consider our options and the consequences of different strategies, then make decisions that are reasonably likely to help us achieve our wishes. Planning helps us better prepare for a variety of possible futures.

In the danger zone

But what happens when unexpected stuff happens? You know, like the things happening in our lives during this pandemic? Another very normal response, when the unexpected happens and catches us unaware, is to catastrophize. I’ve found myself doing this and maybe you have, too. Fox example, I learned my brother was sick with COVID-19 symptoms. I was gripped with fear—sweaty palms, racing heart, the works! In the absence of a functioning, reliable crystal ball, my brain supplies its own story—he’ll get worse, he’ll have to be hospitalized, there won’t be a ventilator available, he’ll die. No, no, I can’t bear to lose another person I love, I just lost my dad!

We can catch ourselves and reframe the scary situation. It turns out that uncertainty isn’t the worst thing, our catastrophic imaginary scenarios are. As meditation superstar teacher Sharon Salzberg tells us, believing we know the future—and that it’s awful—is worse than uncertainty. When I start to go down the catastrophic road, it is a relief to remind myself that life is uncertain and I don’t know the future. I’m not in charge. Life happens. Channel Doris Day singing “Que Sera, Sera”. Take a deep breath. I’ll take uncertainty and accepting that I’m not in charge over my own detailed worst case scenario every time. Try this yourself at home next time you find yourself going down this path.

Calm down and reconsider

Once I’ve calmed down my right brain and retreated from panic mode, I can examine the situation more rationally to see if there’s an action I should take. In my example, my left brain reminded me of a few facts: that COVID-19 is more likely not to be fatal in healthy people without contributing factors, like my brother, that the hospitalization and death rates actually quite small. That really all I need to do is show my love and concern by staying in touch. And the right brain is settled enough to listen and be persuaded.

I hope that you, too, will find comfort in dark moments from remembering that we don’t know the future. Welcome uncertainty—it can be a good thing.

By the way, my brother is almost fully recovered. I haven’t told him about my anxiety attack, though!

Would working with an understanding personal finance expert let you get a better night’s sleep? I’m here to help! Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Check out Dan Harris’ wonderful interview with Sharon Salzberg on his Ten Percent Happier Podcast!

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Thank goodness for other people!

In this strange new world we inhabit, I find solace in working with my clients (virtually, of course). What a welcome respite it is to spend an hour, or many hours, wrapped up in the lives of others—their hopes, their values, their concerns and fears. Putting my own self-absorption to the side, I can bring my whole self to just listen during our conversations. And being listened to during difficult times is a true comfort.

Solutions, solutions, everywhere

As a financial planner, I love coming up with solutions! But when I give my clients the space to talk, they often surface their own solutions. After all, they know themselves and their lives better than I ever will. Importantly, we are far more likely to actually follow through on the solutions that we’ve crafted ourselves. Sure, I provide input where clients need it. Spending all of my time thinking about personal finance, I probably am aware of a tool, practice or consequence they wouldn’t know of otherwise. Frequently, in the COVID-19 days, all I need to provide is reassurance: “yes, that sounds like a good move” or “yes, there will be life on the other side of this.” All they needed was a calm presence and to have their concerns heard.

We’re in this together

And all I needed was to make that human connection, to be there for these people about whom I care deeply. Make no mistake, it is frightening to have others look to you for reassurance in days like these. As Vanguard’s Michael DiJoseph said in a recent webinar, “People aren’t scared they’re losing money, they’re scared they’re losing their futures.” While we may quite literally dealing with fear of death, we also fear the loss of our dreams. Who knew that holding a friend’s hand or a date night at a restaurant would feel like a dream? So I repeatedly need to calm my own fears. I remind myself that I don’t need to know the details of the future or have all of the answers to help. I can be a steadying influence in turbulent times by being willing to calmly listen. A mindfulness practice is helping me be ready to listen. If you never have before, now may be the time to try meditation or mindful breathing—it really does work!

Help another, help yourself

When I’m calm and listening and I see my clients growing calmer and more relaxed, there is no better feeling! Being kind and of service to others is my value, my goal. I’m grateful for the moments when I approach it. In doing so, my own preoccupations, concerns and fears drop away. And I feel hope for our shared future. So during these days of physical distancing, I say “thank goodness for other people”!

“My salvation is being interested in others”

— Sylvia Boorstein

You can enjoy Dan Harris’ uplifting interview with the delightful Sylvia Boorstein here:

Ten Percent Happier Dan Harris with Sylvia Boorstein

These are challenging times for us all. Need to talk? I’m here to help! Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Where did my blog go?

Sung to the tune of The Supremes “Where did our love go”

You may have noticed—I am rarely at a loss for words and I have an opinion about almost everything. During most of 2019, my blog was my favorite outlet for sharing my ideas. So what happened?

The last two years, Ron and I have taken the month of September off to travel. This gave my siblings plenty of advanced notice so they could plan to travel to North Carolina to keep our dad company while Ron and I were out of town. To make sure that Ron got a slice of my attention, I planned not to write my regular blog posts during our travels.

Back to real life

My re-entry into regular life, work and spending time with Dad, took time to work through when October rolled around. By November, we were seeing early signs that Dad was going to have a rough winter. By Christmas, he was clearly declining and, along with him, my bandwidth. During those months, I had plenty to say, but little that I wanted to post on my website! My focus narrowed to working with Ron to take care of Dad as best we could and keeping fueled and rested enough to take on each new day. Working with clients was a welcome respite—an escape into the world of someone else’s challenges. But I didn’t have a scrap to share with the world, so no blog posts.

Christmas 2019

All good things must end

Dad had a blessedly short decline and died on February 8th. True to his nature, he was active right up until the end—in church on Sunday, out to dinner on Tuesday, died on Saturday—at 98! Since his death, my bandwidth has been devoted to all of the details of honoring a lost loved one and the more practical matters that go along with it…not to mention trying to process the hole in my heart left by his loss. But my blog will be back because I still have plenty of ideas to share, it’ll just take time.

In loving memory

In the meantime, if you’re so inclined, check out Dad’s online obituary and the story our local TV station ran about his death:

Obituary--Les Agnello

WXII12 Winston-Salem Dash fan Les Agnello dies

Are you working through a financial decision? I’m here to help! Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

My dad turns 98 today. It is a more momentous occasion for me than him—he’s seen a bunch of these before. Dad leads a pretty good life—lots of sleeping and dreaming about a way of life that no longer exists interspersed with some fun waking activities—baseball games, the symphony, Glenn Miller Orchestra concerts, oysters on the half-shell, strawberry milkshakes, pasta with marinara and, for his birthday today—apple pie and ice cream. He has moments of complete lucidity when he wants to know all about my call with a potential new client and whether Ron is playing table tennis today. These are interrupted by bouts of confusion, lethargy and silence. And he’s still my dad—he really cares about all of the little details of my life and whether they make me happy or sad. I’m aware that I’m one of the fortunate few who still have a loving parent after age 60.

 Caregiving and purpose

Dad is unaware of how caring for him gives meaning and purpose to our daily lives. And this isn’t because we care for Dad in our own home—we don’t. With his cognitive impairment, he requires the round-the-clock care that an assisted living provides. Our role, in addition to handling the practical details of Dad’s life, is companionship and entertainment, giving him a reason to get out of bed and leave the dreams behind for at least a few hours every day. This can be quite an undertaking!

Any time you’re hanging out with an older person, it’s an opportunity to flex your patience muscle. I know mine can use the workout! Old people move slowly and do things in slow motion. They’re at their best when they aren’t rushed. Time together is a chance to slow down our fast lane lives. I’ve had lots of experience practicing this in the 10 years since my mom had a stroke. Prior to Mom’s stroke, I hadn’t spent time with anyone in a fragile, slow moving state. These last 10 years have been an education!

The way things REALLY are

I’ve had less practice and little success mastering my more recent challenge—my reactions to Dad’s “observations”. Dad not only has cognitive impairment, but also advanced wet macular degeneration. He’s legally blind and has just a bit of peripheral vision. His cognitive deficiency keeps him from understanding that he’s blind. And his brain evidently provides him with lots of information (illusions, to my way of thinking) about the world around him. This makes for some interesting (ok, uncomfortable, for me) conversations. Periodically, Dad will mention that he would like to get his driver’s license back. I’ll pause to gather myself, remembering the negotiations and tactics that my siblings and I used more than a decade ago, before he lost his vision, to get him to stop driving. Then I’ll say, “gee, Dad, you don’t have a car anymore. Where would you like to go?” Notice I couldn’t stand to just go the distraction route but first had to inject a bit of reality (no more car), in particular—MY reality.

Days when Dad is engaged can be as challenging for me as those when he’s confused and mostly silent. On the engaged days, he’ll do a running commentary of the things he “sees” along the route to my house, church, Costco, or a restaurant. “Look at the size of that house” as we drive by a fallow farm plot, “that’s a huge picnic table” for a field of soybeans, “what kind of store is that” for a stand of pine trees, “there’s a bunch of kids here” as we pass an old farm house in the dark of night. My goal is to agree, not challenge, and engage…but it’s hard. When he mentioned the kids, at night, I asked how he had seen them when it was so dark. My way of nudging him towards my view of the world. He explained that he had seen the kids through the windows of the house another day when he was passing by. Why is it so hard for me not to react to my dad’s altered reality? More importantly, why do I so strongly want to correct his illusions when they don’t even matter? The answer to that question may be obvious to everyone but me—feel free to enlighten me! What I do know is that Dad is giving me the opportunity to regularly practice not trying to impose my views on others. Just like practicing patience, learning not to have my view prevail is going to be a useful life skill!

Gratitude, with a side of uncertainty

I’m thankful that my dad has made it to 98…and wondering how long this stage will last? Dad appears to be going strong. Will that continue? Will we be able to continue to balance caregiving with the rest of our lives? Life is full of uncertainty. I’ll try to embrace each new chance to roll with the punches and go with the flow. Happy birthday, Dad, and many happy returns!

Looking for a partner to help you sort out your current challenges? Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Taking on the money taboo

Every once in a while, my dad will ask me how much one of my siblings makes. It never fails to punch my buttons. Yes, he’s almost 98 and has some cognitive impairment that results in a toddler-level filter. I know I should cut him some slack and not bristle at the subject. But that prohibition on talking about money goes deep, even though I’m a financial planner and talk about money for a living!

Americans would rather talk about anything—sexual orientation, marital problems, political views or mental illness, than personal finances…and by a significant margin. (Check out this  Capital Group study for more.)  For those of us who were brought up in a culture where money isn’t discussed, we probably aren’t even discussing it with family and close friends. In a study of couples, Fidelity found that while 72% of those surveyed thought they communicated exceptionally or very well, more than 4 in 10 (43%) didn’t know how much money their partner made…and 10% of those who didn’t were off by $25,000 or more! This taboo is holding us back and creating potential minefields in our homes and relationships. Money transparency has huge implications for both financial literacy and equity in our society—if we never talk about money, how will women or underserved populations know that they aren’t being paid at the same level as white men? Here, though, I’m only going to focus on the impact of the taboo on money talk in our own homes, with our significant others.

I’ve written previously about the need to share our information so loved ones can step in in the case of death or incapacity. It is crucial. But it’s only the tip of the iceberg. How many of us engage wholeheartedly and openly with our partners about our money? The fact that you’re reading this blog means you’re likely the money person in your relationship (unless you live in one of those rare households where both partners are interested in personal finance!). An article in the New York Times earlier this year made a point that should be obvious—the less a person is involved with money tasks, the less competent he becomes with them. You can fill in anything in the place of money (cooking, driving, parenting) and you’ll see that this is logical. But of course we divide up tasks—it’s a lot more efficient than splitting everything right down the middle. We have our preferences and take on the responsibilities that play to our strengths and interests…or where we just lost the coin toss. Why should money be different?

It should be! While money isn’t the most important thing in our lives, it is a tool that facilitates the rest of our lives. If I do all of the laundry and Ron mows the lawn, we each have a deficit in the other’s area…but the impact of those deficits isn’t a major disruption if one of us is suddenly out of the picture. Handling the household money and financial decisions is in a whole different dimension than our other household duties. It’s worth making an effort to keep both partners money competent. I’ve been rethinking my own role as the money person in my relationship and getting after my clients to consider their own roles.

When the other shoe drops

If you are the money person, odds are the day will come when there’s a challenge you can’t meet—maybe unexpected medical expenses, or career burn-out, or, gulp, you up and die. In any case, your oblivious partner now gets a crash course, possibly with no teacher, in your finances. If you’re still present, you get to experience not only your own anxiety over the current situation but your spouse’s shock, awe, anger, an entire gamut of emotions, none our favorites, over the new discovery. Some of this angst won’t even be directed at you—he’ll probably be furious with himself that he allowed himself to sleepwalk through his financial life for years, assuming that you would just take care of it. But he may also be angry with your efforts to manage the situation and keep the details to yourself. In the best case scenario, you’re both acutely aware that, at least when it comes to money, your relationship hasn’t been completely open and honest. Time for some hard work to restore trust and learn to make decisions as partners.

We can leave the taboo behind

What a difference it can make in our lives if we do break the taboo and talk about money. For the money person, it can be a relief to share your concerns, plans, and schemes with the partner whose life is also going to be profoundly impacted. For the non-money partner, it may feel like a burden at first, particularly to be made aware of challenges and concerns from which you had previously been shielded. But the confidence of knowing where you stand, where you’re going and how you’re going to get there is so much more satisfying than either blissful ignorance or vague uncertainty. And your relationship will reap the rewards of better communication and shared responsibility. I’m not saying it’s easy or comfortable, only that getting on the same page about money and feeling like you’re in it together is a giant step forward.

Ready to take on talking about money? I’m here to help! Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

I’m back!

Moosehead Lake, Maine

September is my sabbatical month, an entire month set aside to do the traveling and exploring that doesn’t fit in to my lifestyle the remaining 11 months of the year. Awesome, isn’t it? By the time summer arrives, I’m longing for the break, imagining how good it’ll feel to put the pressures of daily life (and baseball season!) on hold. But come September 1, I’m still surprised, though I’ve done this before, that time off doesn’t sweep in to my life with a huge sigh of relief. Guess I need a reminder—change, even good, longed for, sought after change, is hard! Seriously, I am saying that there’s a period of adjustment even to a change as wonderful as a month of travel. Despite the pressure and stress of daily life, I lead a life that I’ve chosen and procured to fit me just right, a life I really love. So, when my entire routine is disrupted, come September travel, I’m out of sorts…just when I should be ecstatic! And that discombobulated feeling is compounded by my own expectations—that I’ll transition fluidly and seamlessly from my “at home” daily routine to my “travel” daily routine, that I’ll only feel exhilaration at the new found freedom and joy at having time to see the world and spend uninterrupted hours with Ron. It’s a double-whammy, all brought on by…yours, truly!

Now I’m relaxed—after a delicious meal on the Cafe Lafayette Dinner Train in Lincoln, NH!

It’s all about expectations

Expectations are everything—I’m adding a calendar reminder to this effect on next August 31st. Need to remember it so I can be prepared. Maybe I should add it for August 1st, instead, so I have a whole month to get into the right mindset for my transition. A wiser, more realistic version of myself will expect that abandoning my daily routine will unsettle me. She’ll consider in advance some small, comforting, self-care measures to build in to those first sabbatical days to ease the transition. She’ll also temper those expectations of bliss. That exalted state of freedom may or may not come, but probably won’t in the first few days. The change of focus and activities will, on the whole, be a good thing, even a very good thing, but it won’t be heralded in by fireworks, fanfare, or even a sudden relief from the stress of daily life. One kind of stress—getting things done so I can pick up Dad for dinner, remaining patient and kind when he is confused and asks me the same question for the 17th time…will be replaced by another. When you’re traveling with another person, decisions about how the day is spent are suddenly joint…a big adjustment for the two very independent souls in my household who are accustomed to going our own ways with no explanation and just a wave of the hand.

Just do it anyway

Happy hikers in New Hampshire’s White Mountains.

Change is good! Big and small, mixing things up makes life better…or shows us that what we’ve got right now is pretty darned good! I remind myself that I’ve made the greatest gains in life satisfaction when I’ve taken the leap and made scary changes—career changes, moving across the country or to another country altogether, committing to a relationship, caring for my parents. The key to navigating the transitions with the least amount of psychic wear and tear is to manage my own expectations of the process and my reactions to it.

Here I sit, a month after returning from my September sabbatical. I expected (that word, again!) re-entry into daily life to be bumpy…and it has been! My daily routine was not re-established overnight. In fact, the process of restarting my at home daily routine has been an opportunity to examine each piece with fresh eyes, to see how the pieces work and fit together. Some parts reverted to their pre-September sabbatical form and some have morphed, been moved to a new time slot, or been abandoned completely. I aspire to regular blog posts, but they haven’t returned quickly. I’ve still got plenty of room for calibrating my expectations, but it does feel good to be back in my groove!

I love partnering with people who are in transition! Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message if you would like help working through yours.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Sad endings and new beginnings

At the final game of the season, I’m rewarded for being a faithful Winston-Salem Dash fan with a ball signed by the players.

Tonight is Winston-Salem Dash game #70, the end of our Minor League Baseball home season. If you haven’t been following on my Facebook page, my dad will achieve his 70 game streak tonight. Pretty impressive for a 97 year old fan! I teased the team president because Dad will be at more home games this season than he will. I haven’t been to every game—Ron covered for me in a few and my sister’s family took Dad to a couple. But I’ve been there enough to have lots of friends at that ballpark, people I look forward to seeing and exchanging a few words with (hey, I’m busy calling plays for Dad, whenever he isn’t getting hugs and kisses from one of his women friends). So as much as it’s a relief (sorry, Dad) to know that I’ll have a seven month break from being at the ballpark most nights of the week, I’m sad to say “see you next season” to my friends.

The Circle of Life

I’ve never been comfortable with goodbyes. When I leave a long time job, my strategy is to carry on my daily business right up until the last hour, then walk out the door as if I were coming back the next morning. Cowardly of me, right? I’m not in denial. In fact, I’m acutely aware that things will never be the same, that folks who have been a cherished, integral, part of my daily life no longer will be, that many friendships won’t survive the severing of daily proximity. I’ve done this enough times to know that saying goodbyes and pledging to keep in touch and keep things going isn’t going to make that happen. Nope, the old, however much we love parts or all of it, will fall away. And it has to, for the next phase to begin. This exact case is made by Sherwin B. Nuland in How We Die: Reflections on Life’s Final Chapter—that we age and deteriorate precisely so we can die and make way for the younger, stronger, more capable to have their time in the sun.

Hanging on, letting go

Dad’s 70 game streak is recognized with a team jersey, presented by Clubhouse Manager Marlon Quattlebaum (left) and ballpark manager Kit Edwards (right). What doesn’t show in the photo is that the jersey has been signed by all of the Winston-Salem Dash players.

Many years ago, we left New York in our small sailboat, headed for the Virgin Islands via Bermuda. I had been in New York long enough to consider myself a New Yorker—it was my chosen adopted home. I loved the city, being in the investment world, my good friends and extended network that included my fellow swimmers and staff at my Y, the lady who sold me my Wall Street Journal in the morning, and the security guards in my office building. Excited as I was to sail off into the sunset and start a new life, it tore a hole in my heart to give up my entire support system, other than Ron and Phoebe Alice, our boat.

Sailing long distances double-handed is taxing. You’re either on watch or resting up for your next watch. I didn’t have a lot of time on my hands to ponder my loss…except when I was trying to sleep during my time off-watch, down below in my sea berth, getting tossed around by what turned out to be the nastiest weather we would ever experience on a sailing passage. Lying in my berth, I would dream that my office phone was ringing and, try as I might, I couldn’t quite get to it. Of all of the things, longingly remembering a ringing phone was unexpected! Maybe this was my brain’s symbolic shorthand for a severed connection? After all these years, I still remember dreaming of that ringing phone.

I’m pretty excited about the baseball with the team’s signatures that Marlon gave me!

We have to give up something, or sometimes everything, for a new uncertain start. The process is similar whether it’s a big, transformative change, like starting a new career or moving to a new home, or a smaller change, like those we experience with the seasons (for those of us who live where there are seasons!). Do you feel a bit wistful when you pack away the shorts and flip-flops and bring out the wool sweaters? That’s the feeling I have, at the end of the baseball season. It’s exciting to contemplate my September sabbatical, time to disconnect, travel, spend time seeing new places. But the new adventure doesn’t come without a bit of sadness at finishing the current phase—baseball, summer—and leaving it behind.

During life’s transitions, we’re faced with new options and choices. Send me a message or give me a call at (336) 701-2612 if you would like a partner to help you navigate your next chapter.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Find your tribe

Some of us got the memo early in life: Pay yourself first, make it automatic. Some of us (see my hand waving?) didn’t. If you are trying to build new financial habits, draw on some conventional wisdom and put together a support network. Assuming the famous Jim Rohn quote “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with” is true, you better strive to surround yourself with a tribe of people who embody the changes you’re trying to make!

Saying “yes” to life

David Bach’s excellent story The Latte Factor reveals his “three secrets to financial freedom”, simple truths we can all live by. {Spoiler alert: I’m going to tell you what the third secret is, so skip this paragraph if that’ll ruin the book for you. I think it’ll be a great quick read, even knowing the final secret, but you can make that decision yourself.} Secret number three is to live rich now. Sometimes when I’m working with a client who is wrestling with overspending, I can see that they’re thinking that the alternative is a life of deprivation. I’m the last person on this planet who would recommend that! As Bach’s book beautifully illustrates, we can say “yes” to life today without mortgaging our lives (my definition of overspending). This is not, however, the path that most Americans choose. Which means you’ll need to carefully cultivate a tribe, a new one, to support you in changing your habits.

“It’s important to find your tribe.”

— RuPaul

We’re human, we’re all about belonging (even you loners, I’ll venture to guess). Diversity is a wonderful thing, makes the world go round, sparks the best solutions and most creative innovations. But knowing that we fit in to a group, where our idiosyncrasies as well as our values and beliefs, are cherished and not just tolerated, well that makes life worth living.

Part of growing up is learning that not everyone will like us…and being okay with it. Life improves measurably when we learn to draw close to us those who really do get us, who are on our wavelength, who delight (yes, friends, delight!) in the things we say and do. It’s not just your mom! Find these people, get to know them, spend time with them, love them—they’ll feed your soul and keep you strong so you can go out into the world and do the work you’re meant to do, starting with changing your relationship with money and spending.

Think you don’t have experience finding a tribe? Think again! You’re probably already a member of a number of tribes in your personal and professional life.

Tribes at work

When I started my financial planning business, I got the most encouragement from Dennis Mosely-Williams, a guy who didn’t even know I existed until I started commenting on his blogcasts. Dennis helps financial advisors create transformational experiences for their clients. You see, Dennis’ videos felt like they were created with me in mind. How did this guy in Ottawa know exactly what I was struggling with in Winston-Salem and then have the words to help me see my path forward? Because his insights made a difference in my life, I had to reach out and tell him…and he’s kind enough to respond. Why? Cause he recognizes that I’m his tribe, just like I know that he’s mine.

Earlier this month I spent four very intense days at the Garrett Planning Network retreat. This annual gathering, my first, of GPN members is an opportunity for us to commune with our fellow unicorn planners—the folks who offer financial advice without minimum requirements, who have built their practices around making financial planning accessible to everyone, not only the very wealthy. (I’m fully aware that there are planners using different delivery models who share this goal, but in GPN, it’s our raison d'être, we’re united around this goal.) What a rush to be surrounded by people who devote their careers, often their lives, to serving others, who are fiduciaries by nature and by choice! I became a planner because of a long-standing desire to help others, to make clear and understandable what hadn’t been previously. And these are people who share this value—they’re my tribe!

Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters (NOT)

In the most difficult times, I turn to my sister-in-law. Laurie has known me for 40+ years. Though our approaches to life look very different, she has always shown me that she sees me. What a wonderful gift it is to be seen! Because of this, I look to her for comfort and advice when I’m struggling. And, because she knows me, deep down, she’s always able to give me comfort and advice that speaks to my soul (no pressure, Laurie, dear!). Who are the people who really see you? They’re your tribe.

We may meet kindred spirits anywhere in our travels through daily life. Just yesterday, I had a conversation with a potential companion for my dad. Keeping a 97 year old active and entertained is a job for a team! Rachel was referred to me by another member of my tribe, so not surprisingly, we hit it off during our very first phone call. As Rachel described her passion for working with aging adults, I knew that we were on the same page—part of the same tribe. It can be that easy.

Choosing change

Changing our financial habits, replacing the old ones that no longer serve us with new habits that do, is tough. To be successful, we have to find a new tribe to support our new choices, model the behaviors, and encourage us on our way. The hero in Bach’s story, Zoey, does exactly this—as her world view changes, she meets new people who support her transformation. And she recognizes kindred spirits in her current circle, like her boss, that she hadn’t noticed before. Who are the people already in your life who would support you in changing your habits? And where might you meet new tribe members? The growing financial independence community is hard at work creating useful resources—check out www.ChooseFI.com . Financial independence is for all of us, not only those working towards an early retirement (i.e., the FIRE movement). Reading a book, joining a group, using social media to make introductions, pick one and get started. It’s like counting yellow VWs on the highway—once you start looking, you’ll see them everywhere!

If you’re looking for a partner on your path to financial independence, we just might be members of the same tribe! Send me a note or give me a call at (336) 701-2612.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

What do you want from life?

As a financial planner, I query people about their goals—what’s important to you, what makes you happy, what do you want to accomplish? If it sounds straightforward, it isn’t. Most of us aren’t sure what we want, much less what will make us happy. We were never trained to do this, so how do we decide?

Fitting In

We experience a lot of pressure to “want” what everyone else does in order to fit in. Not many kids choose to be different for fear of ostracism…and we don’t tend to outgrow this fear! How often do you (or anyone you know) let your freak flag fly? The desire to fit in and not be left behind is strong. It’s ingrained into our ancient reptile brains and has kept us humans safe from the saber-toothed tigers from time immemorial.

Today we have many forms of media and social media so that both advertisers and friends can show us what “everyone” has. We’re trained to be willing consumers of the goods and services that the advertisers want to sell us. Where does freewill or our freedom of choice factor in? It’s more theoretical than practical.

How do we sort out what we really want, given this challenging context? Our first response to “what do you want from life” may turn out to be a guess, and an uninformed one at that! For years I believed that I would be “happy” when I had the security of a large salary. High income would free me from money anxiety. What a surprise, after many years of college and career-related striving, to discover that the high salary didn’t feel so freeing! In my case, it came paired with a high cost-of-living lifestyle: expensive location and work wardrobe and student loan repayment. There was lots of cash flow, both in and out, but it didn’t quiet my money anxiety. All of those years when I equated high income with security and focused on the prize, I had no way of knowing if it would actually make me happy or even anxiety free—I’d never been there before.

Ask a different question

I’m not that different than most people (a little weirder, maybe)—we aren’t very good at predicting what will make us happy. Doubt me? What’s the current divorce rate? Happy Money: The Science of Happier Spending author Elizabeth Dunn reports that our intuition about what type of spending will make us happy is often wrong. Lots of us think that retiring to sit on a beach sipping a drink with an umbrella in it will do the trick. And we’re the same people who, weeks or months after achieving said nirvana, are feeling restless and depressed and are looking for a little job.

Instead of asking yourself “what will make me happy”, ask “what will give my life meaning”. This almost certainly short-circuits our consumer culture and most outside expectations. We can draw on our experiences to date and then, fairly reliably, extrapolate into our futures. I still remember the day more than 20 years ago we were in a supermarket line behind an older woman whose credit card was denied. We slipped the cashier our card and the grateful lady was on her way with her groceries. Why do I remember those two minutes? I’ve given larger sums and probably in more dire circumstances. But there was something so satisfying about seeing a human need and, in the moment, being able to respond to satisfy it. These are the moments that give my life meaning. As soon as I stopped trying to find happiness, which I had mistakenly identified as a large income, and started seeking meaning, life got dramatically better.

“Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.”

— Helen Keller

Meaning for you might come from relationships with family and friends, contributing through career or volunteer work, devotion to a cause, some combination of the above, or something entirely different. But you’ll know it when you feel it. Not sure? Take the time to experiment! Rescue a kitten, really listen to your partner’s rehash of the day, show up to stand up for a cause you believe in, volunteer for trail maintenance at a local park, whatever. Does it light you up? If so, you’re getting warmer. If not, try, try again. These can be small stakes experiments. I’m not suggesting you quit your day job to save the world…yet.

I don’t care if you’re 20 or 90, meaning matters! We can find it in our lives, if we’re willing to pay attention. At 97, despite cognitive, hearing and visual impairments, my dad still strives to have a purposeful life. He’s all about giving and encouraging others. He stops to say hello and smiles at some of the nastiest old ladies you can imagine. Sometimes they smile back, but he keeps at it even when they don’t. He’s interested in the lives of his family and friends and offers support and encouragement daily. His wonderful attitude inspires those in his church community who are decades younger.

Mike and Reggie with Dad and me. The valet staff kindly “reserve” a parking space for Dad at every game.

At the other end of the age spectrum is the daughter of a former colleague of mine. We ran in to him at a recent baseball game and he brought his kids over to introduce them. I told them that Dad would attend all 70 of the Winston-Salem Dash home games this season and had only missed one last year (it was a conflict with a Glenn Miller Orchestra concert and big band music won out). Eight year old Emma was so touched by Dad’s story, she told her own father that she needed to buy him a gift. She returned a bit later with a Dash foam finger, her gift to Dad in honor of his streak. Why would an eight year old spend her allowance on a gift for a 97 year old virtual stranger? The act of giving was meaningful to her.

Meaning shows us the way

As you identify the keys to your meaningful life, you’ll be better able to articulate what you want out of life. Getting on track to our purpose gets us most of the way there. Working backwards from your image of a meaningful life will show you the steps to take. Some deliberate planning can get you on your way to those goals. Meaning may not be the same as happiness (check out these two fascinating articles on the subject: Scientific American: The Differences Between Happiness and Meaning in Life and The Atlantic: There's More to Life than Being Happy), but it’s in the neighborhood, and it’s attainable for all of us, whatever our circumstances.

What gives your life meaning? Does having a purpose make you happy? Let me know what you think. I love helping people navigate to their best lives! Give me a call if you’re looking for a partner to help you reach your potential (336) 701-2612.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.

Asking for help

This week’s post will be uncharacteristically short because I know little about the subject, other than that it’s important. I want to make the case for asking for help—early and often. I was at a retreat last week, spending time meeting or catching up with my fellow Garrett Planning Network members. What a fantastic group of people: knowledgeable, kind, generous, dedicated to helping people and making this a better world. I noticed that my peers are very like me in their desire to figure their way out of things. We wait until we’ve gotten really frustrated before we ask for help. We want to be self-sufficient, we don’t want to burden others or waste their time, we think that we should be able to figure it out ourselves or that asking for help is a sign of weakness. I bet you can add another couple of dozen reasons, if you’ve ever been reluctant to ask for help.

When it really hit me that asking sooner rather than later is essential was in talking with another planner who has recently started his business. It can be overwhelming to get a new start-up off of the ground. It’s hard to ignore financial concerns when you’ve got a family to provide for. Start-up stress is fertile ground for self-doubt which funnels into a downward spiral and a crisis of confidence. Not the best state of mind for presenting yourself to potential clients! I encouraged my colleague to pick up the phone and call me or another Garrett member for encouragement at the first sign of start-up stress. The anxiety he’s been feeling isn’t unique to him, or to those of us in financial planning practices. It’s the norm, not the exception. By reaching out to a peer sooner rather than later, we’ll be reminded that much of our angst is just from being a human trying to do a new thing. We can save ourselves a lot of anxiety and short-circuit the downward spiral by asking for help earlier.

Try this at home

We can improve our lives by asking for help earlier on a variety of fronts, both professional and personal. The beauty of asking early is that it saves us from hours or days of mental churning and we’re more likely to ask for help in a calm, open way before we get frustrated and throw up our hands. Here are my tips for asking for help:

• Ask for help, even when you’re not sure what kind of help you need or what the other person can offer. Ron and I have been taking care of my dad in North Carolina, with no family nearby, for almost five years. It has often been overwhelming, the pressure of knowing that we’re the only ones who can be here for Dad. It isn’t much of a day off when you only get it because your partner is taking over! I can see now that I’ve been slow to ask my siblings to pitch in because I haven’t been sure what they can do from a distance to help. Because I wasn’t asking for help, they didn’t know that we needed it and were headed directly in to burn out territory. Only many years down the road does it occur to me that I can ask for help without knowing what the answer is. My siblings may very well have their own ideas on how they can pitch in to take care of Dad and relieve the pressure on Ron and me. If I don’t ask, I’ll never know. Isn’t it better to have more people considering the problem and solutions than just Ron and me going over and over the same ground?

• While you may not know exactly what the help needs to look like, make sure to clearly communicate your need. Two years ago we decided that, to relieve some of the pressure of constant caregiving and re-energize ourselves for the task, we would take the entire month of September off to make a camping trip out west. I gave my siblings a year’s notice and asked if they would come to North Carolina to spend time with Dad so he wouldn’t be lonely and worried during our absence. My vision was that I would be completely relieved of caregiving tasks—that someone would be here while we were gone and, even if no one was, someone else would remotely manage all of the details of Dad’s life (making sure that his necessary supplies were stocked, replacing lost or missing items, arranging rides to church on Sunday, being available to take phone calls from Dad’s assisted living, in case he falls or needs something). Instead my siblings came to be with Dad during two of the weeks we were gone and I did all of the managing remotely. It wasn’t the best break. So we decided to try again this year by again taking September off. Despite many months of notice, it looks like only one of my siblings will come this year…and again no one is offering to take over all of the care management. Looking back, I don’t think I clearly enough told my family, “Ron and I are getting burned out by the physical and emotional demands of taking care of Dad. In order to be able to continue to provide care for 11 months of the year, we’re going to need to be completely free of responsibility for Dad during one month. We need your help—please organize yourselves to cover this month.” The message still might not have been received and the outcome might have been the same, but I would feel better if I knew I had been clear and direct enough. What seemed obvious to me—that we are burned out and need help, may not be at all obvious to them.

• Ask lots of people, you never know who will be willing or offer the most creative solution. In my current quest to make sure Dad isn’t lonely or bored while we’re out of town, I’ve decided to ask everyone and every organization I can think of. So, in addition to asking my Facebook friends, I’ll be contacting Senior Services and the hospice and palliative care organizations in two counties. Maybe, if I ask enough people, I’ll get connected to the right person or people who would love to engage with my awesome Dad. If you have other suggestions on people or organizations I should reach out to, please let me know .

• If you don’t ask, the answer will always be no. I was nervous about asking my siblings to step up because I was afraid they would say no. This is always the risk. Sometimes we may feel that we would rather not ask than have to hear the answer. But it’s hard for me to imagine a time when that really is the best strategy. Life is full of risks. Let’s face them head-on, with our eyes wide open. Better to have an answer, even if it’s no, so we can learn and move on.

• Be open to offers that are not what you expected. I have no idea what resources my social media network and local caregiving organizations may suggest to meet Dad’s needs. I hope that there’ll be people in my community who would love to brighten Dad’s day by taking him out for lunch or to the farmer’s market. But I really don’t know who might respond or what they might offer. I’m going to try to remain open to different solutions than those I’ve come up with myself. Check with me in a month or so to see how well I’ve managed that!

• Remember that asking for help gives others an opportunity to be of service. Little in life makes us feel better than knowing that we have been of service to a friend, loved one, or complete stranger. My parents were the ultimate servants. They devoted their lives to raising their four kids, to teaching, and to serving their church community in a variety of ways. As they got older, it was hard for them to ask for or accept help themselves. The transition from servant to being served is not an easy one. When I would ask them to consider help, I would remind them of what a gift it had been in their own lives to be of service to others—the satisfaction they had gotten, the meaning it had given their lives. And I asked them to give that gift to others—to let someone else feel good because she had been of service to them. It didn’t make it much easier, but it helped them be willing to accept help. They still found ways to be of service, but they also learned to accept help and even ask for it. I’m trying to apply this lesson in my own life, which is of course much harder than trying to teach someone else to use it!

I believe that churning less and reaching out to ask for help earlier can improve my own life and strengthen my connections with my loved ones and community. Do you? Share your thoughts on the subject and your experience asking for help with me.

Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the State of North Carolina and in other jurisdictions where exempted.