My dad turns 98 today. It is a more momentous occasion for me than him—he’s seen a bunch of these before. Dad leads a pretty good life—lots of sleeping and dreaming about a way of life that no longer exists interspersed with some fun waking activities—baseball games, the symphony, Glenn Miller Orchestra concerts, oysters on the half-shell, strawberry milkshakes, pasta with marinara and, for his birthday today—apple pie and ice cream. He has moments of complete lucidity when he wants to know all about my call with a potential new client and whether Ron is playing table tennis today. These are interrupted by bouts of confusion, lethargy and silence. And he’s still my dad—he really cares about all of the little details of my life and whether they make me happy or sad. I’m aware that I’m one of the fortunate few who still have a loving parent after age 60.
Caregiving and purpose
Dad is unaware of how caring for him gives meaning and purpose to our daily lives. And this isn’t because we care for Dad in our own home—we don’t. With his cognitive impairment, he requires the round-the-clock care that an assisted living provides. Our role, in addition to handling the practical details of Dad’s life, is companionship and entertainment, giving him a reason to get out of bed and leave the dreams behind for at least a few hours every day. This can be quite an undertaking!
Any time you’re hanging out with an older person, it’s an opportunity to flex your patience muscle. I know mine can use the workout! Old people move slowly and do things in slow motion. They’re at their best when they aren’t rushed. Time together is a chance to slow down our fast lane lives. I’ve had lots of experience practicing this in the 10 years since my mom had a stroke. Prior to Mom’s stroke, I hadn’t spent time with anyone in a fragile, slow moving state. These last 10 years have been an education!
The way things REALLY are
I’ve had less practice and little success mastering my more recent challenge—my reactions to Dad’s “observations”. Dad not only has cognitive impairment, but also advanced wet macular degeneration. He’s legally blind and has just a bit of peripheral vision. His cognitive deficiency keeps him from understanding that he’s blind. And his brain evidently provides him with lots of information (illusions, to my way of thinking) about the world around him. This makes for some interesting (ok, uncomfortable, for me) conversations. Periodically, Dad will mention that he would like to get his driver’s license back. I’ll pause to gather myself, remembering the negotiations and tactics that my siblings and I used more than a decade ago, before he lost his vision, to get him to stop driving. Then I’ll say, “gee, Dad, you don’t have a car anymore. Where would you like to go?” Notice I couldn’t stand to just go the distraction route but first had to inject a bit of reality (no more car), in particular—MY reality.
Days when Dad is engaged can be as challenging for me as those when he’s confused and mostly silent. On the engaged days, he’ll do a running commentary of the things he “sees” along the route to my house, church, Costco, or a restaurant. “Look at the size of that house” as we drive by a fallow farm plot, “that’s a huge picnic table” for a field of soybeans, “what kind of store is that” for a stand of pine trees, “there’s a bunch of kids here” as we pass an old farm house in the dark of night. My goal is to agree, not challenge, and engage…but it’s hard. When he mentioned the kids, at night, I asked how he had seen them when it was so dark. My way of nudging him towards my view of the world. He explained that he had seen the kids through the windows of the house another day when he was passing by. Why is it so hard for me not to react to my dad’s altered reality? More importantly, why do I so strongly want to correct his illusions when they don’t even matter? The answer to that question may be obvious to everyone but me—feel free to enlighten me! What I do know is that Dad is giving me the opportunity to regularly practice not trying to impose my views on others. Just like practicing patience, learning not to have my view prevail is going to be a useful life skill!
Gratitude, with a side of uncertainty
I’m thankful that my dad has made it to 98…and wondering how long this stage will last? Dad appears to be going strong. Will that continue? Will we be able to continue to balance caregiving with the rest of our lives? Life is full of uncertainty. I’ll try to embrace each new chance to roll with the punches and go with the flow. Happy birthday, Dad, and many happy returns!
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