Every once in a while, my dad will ask me how much one of my siblings makes. It never fails to punch my buttons. Yes, he’s almost 98 and has some cognitive impairment that results in a toddler-level filter. I know I should cut him some slack and not bristle at the subject. But that prohibition on talking about money goes deep, even though I’m a financial planner and talk about money for a living!
Americans would rather talk about anything—sexual orientation, marital problems, political views or mental illness, than personal finances…and by a significant margin. (Check out this Capital Group study for more.) For those of us who were brought up in a culture where money isn’t discussed, we probably aren’t even discussing it with family and close friends. In a study of couples, Fidelity found that while 72% of those surveyed thought they communicated exceptionally or very well, more than 4 in 10 (43%) didn’t know how much money their partner made…and 10% of those who didn’t were off by $25,000 or more! This taboo is holding us back and creating potential minefields in our homes and relationships. Money transparency has huge implications for both financial literacy and equity in our society—if we never talk about money, how will women or underserved populations know that they aren’t being paid at the same level as white men? Here, though, I’m only going to focus on the impact of the taboo on money talk in our own homes, with our significant others.
I’ve written previously about the need to share our information so loved ones can step in in the case of death or incapacity. It is crucial. But it’s only the tip of the iceberg. How many of us engage wholeheartedly and openly with our partners about our money? The fact that you’re reading this blog means you’re likely the money person in your relationship (unless you live in one of those rare households where both partners are interested in personal finance!). An article in the New York Times earlier this year made a point that should be obvious—the less a person is involved with money tasks, the less competent he becomes with them. You can fill in anything in the place of money (cooking, driving, parenting) and you’ll see that this is logical. But of course we divide up tasks—it’s a lot more efficient than splitting everything right down the middle. We have our preferences and take on the responsibilities that play to our strengths and interests…or where we just lost the coin toss. Why should money be different?
It should be! While money isn’t the most important thing in our lives, it is a tool that facilitates the rest of our lives. If I do all of the laundry and Ron mows the lawn, we each have a deficit in the other’s area…but the impact of those deficits isn’t a major disruption if one of us is suddenly out of the picture. Handling the household money and financial decisions is in a whole different dimension than our other household duties. It’s worth making an effort to keep both partners money competent. I’ve been rethinking my own role as the money person in my relationship and getting after my clients to consider their own roles.
When the other shoe drops
If you are the money person, odds are the day will come when there’s a challenge you can’t meet—maybe unexpected medical expenses, or career burn-out, or, gulp, you up and die. In any case, your oblivious partner now gets a crash course, possibly with no teacher, in your finances. If you’re still present, you get to experience not only your own anxiety over the current situation but your spouse’s shock, awe, anger, an entire gamut of emotions, none our favorites, over the new discovery. Some of this angst won’t even be directed at you—he’ll probably be furious with himself that he allowed himself to sleepwalk through his financial life for years, assuming that you would just take care of it. But he may also be angry with your efforts to manage the situation and keep the details to yourself. In the best case scenario, you’re both acutely aware that, at least when it comes to money, your relationship hasn’t been completely open and honest. Time for some hard work to restore trust and learn to make decisions as partners.
We can leave the taboo behind
What a difference it can make in our lives if we do break the taboo and talk about money. For the money person, it can be a relief to share your concerns, plans, and schemes with the partner whose life is also going to be profoundly impacted. For the non-money partner, it may feel like a burden at first, particularly to be made aware of challenges and concerns from which you had previously been shielded. But the confidence of knowing where you stand, where you’re going and how you’re going to get there is so much more satisfying than either blissful ignorance or vague uncertainty. And your relationship will reap the rewards of better communication and shared responsibility. I’m not saying it’s easy or comfortable, only that getting on the same page about money and feeling like you’re in it together is a giant step forward.
Ready to take on talking about money? I’m here to help! Give me a call (336-701-2612) or send me a message.
Investment advisor representative of and investment advisory services offered through Garrett Investment Advisors, LLC, a fee-only SEC registered investment advisor. Tel: (910) FEE-ONLY. Fair Winds Financial Advice may offer investment advisory services in the States of North Carolina and Texas and in other jurisdictions where exempted.